Yesterday, I was at my local TSC store buying a big bag of food for my loyal livestock guard dog. I was checking out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, I had an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have plenty of time on my hands, I told her, “No, I don’t have a dog. I’m starting the Dog Diet again.”

I added that I probably shouldn’t, since I ended up in the hospital last time, but hey, I lost 10 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes sticking out of every possible orifice and IVs in both arms.

I went on to explain that it’s actually a perfect diet. The trick is to fill your pockets with dog food nuggets and just eat one or two whenever you feel hungry. It’s nutritionally complete, so it really works. I was planning to try it again.

By this point, pretty much everyone in line was hanging on my every word.

Horrified, she asked, “Did you end up in the hospital because the dog food poisoned you?” I said, “No, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s rear end, and a car hit me.”

The guy behind her was laughing so hard I thought he was going to have a heart attack. And now? I’m banned from Tractor Supply.

Moral of the story: Be careful what you ask retired people. We’ve got all the time in the world to come up with some wild responses.